Every person and every therapeutic pairing is unique. There is no rule about how long any therapy should take. Each person comes to therapy with her or his own combination of resources and problems, issues with trust, and means of processing new experiences. All of this affects the length of the therapy — whether it lasts 3 months, 3 years, or 3 decades. However, it is important that both therapist and client keep asking themselves (and sometimes, each other) whether the therapy is effective. If it doesn’t seem to be, they should talk about what isn’t working. If they can’t resolve whatever is causing the therapy to be stuck, they might consider transferring the client to a new therapist.
Remember: Change doesn't have to take years.
The way to get over a difficult past is to face it fully, in all its emotional, physical, cognitive, and spiritual reality. But bad events can be overwhelming, and we often do whatever we can to survive. Our brains don’t fully process overwhelming events as they are happening, so as a result, the bad stuff continues to feel overwhelming and we continue to employ our defenses in order to avoid feeling overwhelmed. As time passes, our defenses may get stronger and stronger, but this strengthening comes at the expense of genuine and authentic connection to ourselves and others.
When you think about it, not coming to therapy is often scarier and more painful. For many people, therapy is a relief — a place where they can express themselves fully without fear of judgment, criticism, or punishment. At the same time, it can be intimidating to face oneself as a complex person with unflattering traits and qualities as well as flattering ones. The therapeutic process can feel like wandering into the unknown, which is daunting for most people, even if it may ultimately lead somewhere more desirable.
It is difficult to assign a dollar amount to the value of feeling peaceful, confident, happy, and effective in one’s life, or to attach a price to becoming available for, and maintaining, a satisfying relationship. Similarly, it’s hard to know the worth of realizing one’s potential. One myth that keeps people stuck is that these things should come freely and naturally.
Therapy is often expensive. Some people have insurance policies that make it more affordable, while others have flex pay or health savings accounts that help cover the cost. For some people, it is a question of budgeting and prioritizing. Sometimes, those who are ambivalent about entering therapy or prioritizing their own well-being use the cost of therapy as an excuse for not seeking help, but in truth, the long term cost of not getting the help one needs can be much higher.
Most people experience periods when they feel confused, stressed, overwhelmed, out of control, depressed, insecure, anxious, or angry. Not only are these feelings normal, it would be odd not to experience them at times. Equally common (and often the cause or the result of these feelings) are difficulties with relationships, from arguing and fighting to feeling stuck or dissatisfied.
Frequently, these feelings emerge when making decisions, enduring losses, or navigating transitions. Even positive and exciting changes can trigger unexpected emotions. Sometimes recognizing what we are experiencing is not easy or obvious, and simply acknowledging our feelings can provide some relief.
Though not a sign of insanity, unmanaged emotions can be serious, affecting our work, our life outside of work, and our relationships. Furthermore, through intensity or duration, emotions can manifest as physical symptoms, including headaches, stomach aches, muscle tension, high blood pressure, problems with sleeping and eating, fatigue, irritability, and tearfulness. Part of the therapeutic work is to help individuals develop the ability to tolerate their feelings without getting overwhelmed. When we are able to experience the range of our emotions, life becomes much more vibrant and meaningful.
People should be able to deal with things on their own.
Nothing is farther from the truth! We all need others to lean on at times, and we all desire to be seen and known deeply by another. We may also require a different perspective in order to see ourselves and our situation clearly. While turning to a friend for advice may work in some instances, there are times when all of us could use an unbiased, professional opinion. It takes great courage to admit to yourself that you need help. It takes even more courage to ask another for help. Rather than a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength when someone wishes to improve his or her life, and has the courage to seek assistance in this process.
Some people do become dependent on their therapists for a while. When this happens, it is usually because the client has an issue, consciously or unconsciously, that requires a period of dependency to resolve. However, therapy is not about fostering dependency, but about helping people learn to take full responsibility for their lives. Even when a client is experiencing feelings of dependency on the therapist, the goal is the client’s autonomy.
The more accurate statement is that people, like everything else, are changing constantly. This change often occurs in spite of our best efforts to hold on to and maintain what is familiar – even if it's misery. Change is relentless and inevitable. It both creates and undoes us. What causes our distress is a more or less rigid attachment to the way things were a decade, a year, a month, or a moment ago. It is vital that we adapt to our bodies as they grow (stronger or weaker, faster or slower), as well as to the changes in those we love, the changes in our work life, and the changes in the world around us. Psychotherapy can help us accept our losses more gracefully, evaluate our possibilities more fully, and participate more proactively in the process of our own lives.